Practicing Safe Vulnerability
In the realm of Authentic Relating (AR) and relational empowerment, we talk a lot about vulnerability. Where the status quo in society is generally to disdain vulnerability, you might say the “status quo” in authentic relational spaces is to praise vulnerability. Yet at some point or another, you’ve probably experienced a sense of vulnerability overkill. Just like in yoga, there’s a difference between easing ourselves into an uncomfortable stretch, and moving so forcefully into a position that we injure ourselves. The aftermath of this latter scenario is what shame researcher Brené Brown has charmingly termed the “vulnerability hangover.”
So, how do we practice “safe” vulnerability, and avoid the vulnerability hangover?
First, we have to recognize that vulnerability is a huge spectrum, in terms of what feels vulnerable and what doesn’t for each person. So we can first start by finding our OWN “vulnerability edge,” rather than holding ourselves to an ideal based on someone else’s experience. One of our members, Sulakshana, recently shared her own experience with finding this edge:
In the past, I was so used to this idea of “getting out of my comfort zone” to grow. I was trying to do that, but it felt like I was just pushing myself, and leaping off my edge without finding a safe space where I could still explore. Now I understand what it means to be AT my edge—to be aware of it, but also to recognize that it's different for everyone. That's really helped me with self-acceptance: as long as I'm able to just find that edge, I'm exactly where I need to be.
So, how can you tell in the moment that you might be approaching your edge—or teetering over it?
Tune into your inner voice: Mine can sometimes try to threaten me into being vulnerable, by accusing me of being a fraud or a coward if I don’t “speak my truth.” In contrast, healthy vulnerability comes from a place of gentleness and kindness toward ourselves. If your own inner voice is being a bully in this way, it might be a sign to take a step back from the edge.
Check your presence: In the midst of intense experiences, we tend to instinctually dissociate from our bodies—whether that’s squeezing our eyes shut at a scary part in a movie, or trying to think about something pleasant when getting a needle. That’s why simply pausing to notice if you can feel your feet on the ground can give you a good reading on how close you are to your edge. If we need to dissociate from our present moment experience in order to share something, that can also be a sign that our edge has been surpassed.
How do you find YOUR edge, and lean into it? Share in the comments!
-Text by Shaina List